Humor and Fun

Message: 1
Date: Tue, 14 Jun 2005 19:36:15 -0700 (PDT)
From: "regina s. fernandez"
Subject: alternate meanings

Once again, The Washington Post published its
> yearly contest in which
> >>readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for
> various words.
> >
> > And the winners are...
> >
> > 1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
> >
> > 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much
> weight you have gained.
> >
> > 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever
> having a flat stomach.
> >
> > 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while
> drunk.
> >
> > 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
> >
> > 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in
> which you absentmindedly
> > answer the door in your nightgown.
> >
> > 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
> >
> > 8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
> >
> > 9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that
> picks you up after you are
> > run over by a steamroller.
> >
> > 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
> >
> > 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
> >
> > 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor
> assumed by a
> > proctologist immediately before he examines you.
> >
> > 13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his
> conversation with Yiddish
> > expressions.
> >
> > 14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
> >
> > 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when
> you die your Soul goes
> > up on the roof and gets stuck there.
> >
> > 16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of
> boxer shorts.
>

# posted by Stormwild @ 10:56 PM

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? "

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

Funny CNN Commercials

http://edition.cnn.com/yourcommand/

Cyrus says: "Daddy, how was I born?"

Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room
on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
ber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to
a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was
too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little
Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male!'"

An oldie, but still pretty good..

You can't read this and stay in a bad mood


1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile

(Thanks to Aunt Marge for this one :) She sends really funny jokes)

Subject

FW: Fwd: english and bush



Take a break and smile, everyone. :-)

Allan



--- In pinoydcfans@yahoogroups.com,

"Henry Joseph V. Sarmiento"

 wrote:

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the

country."

- George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor,

and that

one word is 'to be prepared'."

- George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good

judgments in the

future."

- George W. Bush



"The future will be better tomorrow."

- George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the

world."

- George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

- George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We

have a firm

commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

- George W. Bush



"Public speaking is very easy."

- George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to

the polls."

- George W. Bush



"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not

occur."

- George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

- George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our

children."

- George W. Bush



"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the

impurities in

our air and water that are doing it."

- George W. Bush



"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."

- George W. Bush

Science Jokes

"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease
to be amused."

This is a collection of more than 2500 scientific jokes from Usenet, or
mailed or told to me. You are free to read and use them on the net or in
conversation. Please keep the original author, copyright information and
sender when you use them; mentioning this list is optional.

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/

From robxxviii@aol.com Tue Jun 22 23:04:00 1999
Matter is fundamentally lazy:- It always takes the path of least effort
Matter is fundamentally stupid:- It tries every other path first.
That is the heart of physics - The rest is details.
Robert

From: "Chris Giauque"
One of the buildings in the university I attend has a large Focault's pendulum in the lobby. Someone has attached a sign to its cable that says, "Warning - Stay away from cable. 18,000 ohms."

# posted by Stormwild @ 11:27 PM

From: Michael Weiss
Letter from the Smithsonian:

Paleonanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid Skull."

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret
to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents
"conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two
million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the
head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small
children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie."

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis
of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are
familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a
number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you
off to it's modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically
fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified
proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the
common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene
clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter
finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses that you have
submitted in your history with this Institution, but the evidence seems to
weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail let us
say that:

a. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
chewed on.

b. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request
to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load
our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon
dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the
best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and
carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science
Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your
specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your
proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted-down because the species name
you selected was hyphenated, and did not really sound like it might be
Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of the fascinating
specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it
is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you
seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director
has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the
specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at
the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed
in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for
it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories
surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a
structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex
femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty
3/8 inch Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/

# posted by Stormwild @ 10:59 PM

All things funny, fair, joyful and hilarious